I am me

Something I struggled to accept was the essence of my very being. From a child, I was forced to grow up fast because I was depended upon. Along the way, I negated the rituals of loving who I was because I was too concerned about pleasing others. If someone wasn't pleased due to my own lack, I blamed myself, eventually planting seeds of hate towards myself. I had begun to dislike who I was. I was a perfectionist, and I didn't know why at the time. But I'd later realize it was because I couldn't accept that fact that we were made flawed. When I would make a mistake, or do something that someone wouldn't approve of, I noticed how it would make a person upset or angry. Hence, leading to my biggest fear, Rejection. I know rejection is an intense word, but being young at the time, I equated someone being mad at , or not liking me as hatred towards me. At times when I was at fault, I would cringe at correction because in the back of my mind I would always wonder if... "This Was It". Will this be the last time this person will accept or like me? And so when I came of age, I began to find other ways to improve the lost cause that I was. I resorted to my exterior. I considered myself an ugly duckling, especially during my childhood years. I wasn't allowed to wear colored nail polish until I was 16, and then make-up until I was 19. I would wear the make-up covering a soul that that didn't feel pretty, no matter how much it was caked on. I couldn't look into those dark brown eyes that would stare at me as I put on my eye liner. I was a total waste of make-up. I didn't want to confront the truth of me being the blame of my unhappiness. Because then I would I have to accept my flaws. Accept the fact that when I make mistakes, that I am here to love myself. I've forgotten about me. For too long I've felt that my personal feelings didn't matter, because if they did, why would people tell me to suck it up, or that I'm too sensitive? Looking at my surroundings, I came to the conclusion that everyone is sensitive, and that everyone is looking out for themselves when it comes to protecting their hearts. Something I failed to do miserably. I'm learning to accept me....flaws and all.